Earlier today I had one of the best chats that I’ve had with my mom in a while, we talked about the past, how things were for us in Colorado, and we were reminded of why we left.
We also talked about my grandmother, about a lot of the things that she would do for us and how appreciative we are for the things that she did. Unfortunately this song isn’t a tribute to her I haven’t been able to find the right words for that song just yet. This song is a mix. It brings you into what went on after she passed and also takes you through a few examples of the things she did for me and my family. This song is saying thank you for everything.
Growing up you were always there for me.
When things were bad, when life was scary, I’d cling to your side like you were my security blanket.
When you were around the scary stuff faded, seeing Ma high outta her mind, Dad drunk as fuck, and Brandon’s constant hatin’ and bullying; all of it just seemed to fade away. Life was peaceful, at least for a couple of days; because for those couple of days I at least got to live life fearlessly, get back to being the child rather than the adult in training. 9 years old and expected to handle things like a parent, that’s just crazy.
Now that you’re gone I look back at all those times spent with you, with tears in my eyes. Damn I’m even getting misty eyed writin’ this rhyme. You’ve been gone for almost two months now and it still feels fresh and everything that’s happened within that time period is seriously blowing my mind. It’s like once you left our lives everything blew up in a bad way, found out Ma’s having issues with the pills again.
The woman had a seizure just a week after you passed in the middle of a grocery store. Lisa and I were completely unaware of the reason why until recently. Fuck it I can’t stand this it’s just so ridiculous, all I wanna do is scream in her ear, “Pull yourself together. Do you really think that this is the best road for you? I’m tired of your bullshit and I just wish that you could actually take life for what it is.” Life’s a bitch, but I still get up every day and I fight through all of the bullshit; something that I got from you, you taught me how to fight and keep moving, even when life is rough. But for her I feel like the fight’s been depleted, cause I swear ever since our homeless days she ain’t been quite the same. That was 21 years ago however and I think by now she could’ve pulled herself together. My apologies if I sound like a bitch; it’s just a constant frustration to see her like this.
While sitting up in the hospital hoping to find out what was up with the seizure. I began to get misty eyed; because whenever something went wrong and there was need for a hospital visit you’d always be there. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling, I remember wishing that you were there, cause all of this is just too much. Too much heartache, too much stress, too much shit all comin’ at me at once. I couldn’t keep it together and I cried sitting in the hospital waiting area. Tears flowin down like the river Nile.
I feel like I was treading water all while trying to fight the rough current.
Now I just wanna be done and through with it.
Ever since you passed I’ve just been reminiscing thinking bout’ my past, what I’ve concluded is that things have been so insane, on and off like a fucking heavy rain. Dang I’ve never reflected this much over life, just wracking my brain.
But one thing is for certain and there is no denying, every time I think back on the past I know that you would always make my world better. Every single time that the family was in need of something, be it an extra hand to help with a sick kid or help with a move from Loveland to Fort Collins, you were always there. That type of drop of a hat, lend a helping hand, and one amazing grandmother and you’ll be dearly missed.
You were the security blanket who helped me through everything, at 17 when Ma’s pill popping came back into focus and became too much for me to handle, you swooped in once again to help me out while I was busying getting my GED. You moved in and made life a little less stressful and really allowed me to pull all of my shit together long enough to concentrate, for that I will always be grateful.
You passed away a couple of days after your 80th birthday and it was sucker punch to the gut to the whole family; cause we always believed that you would live to be 120, it was quite a shock, we’re still in disbelief.
If I know one thing for sure I know that I’mma miss you a lot, things won’t quite be the same. I never expected things to end up this way, but at least you’re not in any more pain. At least I can take comfort in the fact that you’re up there in heaven, looking down at all of us smiling.
I just wanna thank you for everything, never did think about it too much before, but I now realize that had you not been around who the hell knows where we all would of wound up; cause you were the glue who held it all together, you were the security blanket for us during the bad weather.