The last post for Dreamer that I published I decided that I absolutely hated, so I worked on a little revision. I’m proud to say that I think I’m really starting to grasp the concept of showing rather than telling. I’ll let you be the judge. So what do you think of this revision?
The bus dropped her off just a few blocks from home; while on her walk home she mentally tried to prepare herself for every disaster possible. This was the only way she made it through this time in her life. It was like praying to God every night before you go to sleep; although she herself had stopped praying, hoping, and wishing long ago.
She walked into Mount Shadow subdivision and quickly moved out of the way, as she saw headlights making a turn into the subdivision. The car stopped just a ways passed the entrance, letting the passenger exit the vehicle before making an abrupt U Turn for the exit.
The former passenger looked to be twelve year-old girl, who had begun to walk down the road toward her street. It was dark and Rebecca knew how sketchy this place could be after dark. She walked over to the girl and offered to walk home with her.
“Please, you think that this is my first day? Girl I’ve lived here for years, I’m fine I can take care of myself.”
The young girl’s sassy attitude made her chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?”
“Nothing you’re just so full of pep, but still regardless of your peppiness I think that you would be much safer if you had someone walking home with you. You’re far too young to be walking around here at night by yourself.”
The girl rolled her eyes, “Okay fine if it makes you feel better.”
“Dang I can’t wait until I’m older so no one will look at me like I’m defenseless little baby.”
“Ha, ha, well you’re not too far off from that age and it’ll come up quick.”
“Yeah, yeah that’s what all y’all adults say.”
When they got to the girl’s home there were no lights on, nor cars in the driveway.
“Do you have a key to get inside?”
The girl nodded, as she pulled it out from her pocket.
“Okay, well make sure to lock the door after you get inside, and to not answer the door for anyone.”
“Oh shoot I know that, what you think I’mma do? Answer the door to let some pervert kidnap me.”
“Alright, I’m just saying.”
The girl laughed, “Thanks for walking me home, you know, you pretty cool.”
“Thanks and you’re the sassiest girl I think I’ve ever met.
“I get it from my mama, see ya.”
She watched to make sure that the girl got inside okay and then walked toward her own street. As she drew nearer to her street from the main road of the subdivision, she began to spot bits of littered trash in the gutters leading up to her street. She stopped in front of a street sign and looked up at it for a moment. Howlet St, yep she was home.
As she began to walk down Howlet she looked at the gutters on both sides of the road that were filled with paper, candy wrappers, soda cans, and gum. In some hedges that she passed she could just barely see a melted crack spoon; which reflected off of the light of a streetlight.
She stopped at house number 84 and took a deep breath before entering the house.
As she shut the door behind her, Jacob her step father was just sitting down on the couch and placing a sandwich bag on the coffee table.
“How was school?” he asked as he dug around in his sweatpants pocket for his pipe and lighter.
“I’m surprised that you would actually ask,” she said as she looked at him in disgust.
He was shirtless; smelling of a horrible mix of rotten eggs and the smelliest of alcohol, which wafted from his pores. His bare skin was riddled with dirt patches, all up and down his torso. His hairy chest and stomach didn’t help the look of his appearance either.
A lengthy sigh came from his mouth. “I try to be nice and you act like a bitch, forget that I even asked.”
As Jacob took a few lengthy hits from his math pipe, Rebecca’s nostrils flared and she fixed her face into scowl. She turned her back to him and went to her room.
After locking the door she dropped her backpack and took a long look at the window, how she wished that she could be permanently free from this place.
She drew her gaze from the window and collapsed onto her bed, starting to get sleepy and heavy droopy eyes she fell asleep.
The bedroom door swung open and Kay walked over to Rebecca’s bed. Her legs were unsteady as she walked, like Jell-O. She stood over Rebecca’s bedside, shaking her shoulder a few times; however she didn’t wake. Frustration washed over her and she smacked her shoulder, feeling a slight sting in her palm.
Rebecca awoke startled and had an immediate sense of panic, as she jumped upward to a sitting position in her bed. She looked to her right expecting to find an intruder by her bedside.
“Becky, Rebecky, you know where my cough medicine’s at?”
“OOH, MOM! You woke me up for that?” She yawned before answering her question. “No I don’t know where your bottle of cough syrup is.”
With the flip of a switch Kay angrily grabbed her arm and squeezed it tightly. “Where is it?” She shouted, “ You didn’t hide it on me did you?”
Rebecca tried to free her forearm from her mother’s grasp. The pain radiated from her forearm to her shoulder. “AHH! LET GO! AHH, I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS, AND I DIDN’T HIDE IT.”
Rebecca looked at her mother’s face, her cheeks were a fierce shade of red and as she made eye contact with her mother, she felt her mother’s eyes burning through her own retinas. Kay dug her finger nails into Rebecca’s skin and she could feel them penetrating through each layer of skin.
Rebecca didn’t think that the pain could be any worse until she felt her mother’s nails scrape at the bone like a scalpel. Kay made a swift sideways movement from her forearm up to her elbow. It felt like she had razor blades for nails and Rebecca let out a thunderous yelp of pain. “Did you flush them? Huh? ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE BITCH!”
Tears began to roll down her cheeks as she answered, “AHH! NO, NO I WOULDN’T DO THAT, PLEASE LET GO.”
Kay slowly began to come out of her violent rage when she saw the tears running down her daughter’s face, she looked down at her daughter’s arm which was oozing with blood, she quickly released her nails and the grip she had on her forearm.
“Baby-” she clapped her hand to her mouth. “Baby girl, I’m, I’m so sorry.” She tried to put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder.
Rebecca looked at her mother terrified, she slapped her mother’s hand away and jumped out of bed, and she grabbed her backpack and tried to run out of the room. She felt her mother’s hand latch onto her ankle and she fell to the floor with a thud.
Her mother was now on top of her with tears in her eyes. “Baby girl please, I didn’t mean it.” Kay felt a fist hit her cheek and she was knocked to the side of her daughter onto the floor. Rebecca scrambled to her feet and was about to run out the door.
Swish, swish, thud, thud, she heard the sound of Jacob’s footsteps making their way down the hallway to her room. She looked at the floor; her mother was now rolled into a ball sobbing loudly. She made a break for the window, but just as she’d opened the window.
“Hey where the fuck do you think you’re going?”
From behind her she could hear thud, thud, thud, thud, thud; and vibrations. She jumped out the window and rolled down the lawn. She got to her feet and listened for a moment.
From the outside of the window Rebecca heard BANG!
“OOH, MY GODDAMN NOSE!”
She curiously looked through the corner of the window and saw that; blood was gushing down Jacob’s nose and dripping down from his chin onto his torso.
“Eww.” She took her eyes from the window and began to run out of the subdivision, and didn’t stop running until she made it to the bus stop, where a bus was just about to stop to let out a few passengers.