The boyfriend scene revision

One wonderful thing about having an audience for your blog is that you can receive great feedback about something you’ve posted. Remember that “A good boyfriend but a great buddy” post I put up last week? Well I got to thinking about it and decided that it wasn’t at all real, so I did a revision for that scene. Let’s see what you think of it this time around.

[Shane’s sitting on Kelsey’s bed and Kelsey is sitting on her computer chair, looking down at the floor nervously.]

Shane: So what’s up you wanted to talk to about something important I’m guessing?

Kelsey: Yes, um you see I- I don’t really where to begin.

Shane: Oh boy it’s one of those talks, so why do you want to break up with me?

Kelsey: Well it’s certainly not what you’re more than likely thinking I’m sure. You see I like girls.

Shane: So I picked a lesbian out of the bunch, great.

Kelsey: Oh no, no, no I’m not a lesbian.

Shane: Didn’t you just tell me that you like girls?

Kelsey: Yes, but I’m not a lesbian.

Shane: So your bi? Or you think your bi?

Kelsey: No I’m not a lesbian and I’m not bi.

[Kelsey takes a breath.]

Kelsey: I’m transgender.

Shane: What?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR TRANS?!

[Shane’s eyes darted back and forth as he began to get angry.]

Shane: Are you kidding me right now is this some sort of joke?

[Kelsey annoyed.]

Kelsey: Oh yeah Shane I just thought that I would invite you over and jokingly tell you that hey I’m Trans.

Shane: You must be fucking insane. WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO CHANGE THEIR SEX.

[Kelsey is looking angry, but trying not to yell at Shane.]

Kelsey: Shane, please try to understand how hard this is for me to tell this, this isn’t easy for me.

Shane: WELL THIS ISN’T EXACTLY EASY FOR ME EITHER. I DID JUST FIND OUT THAT MY GIRLFRIEND WANTS TO BE A MAN.

Kelsey: I had to tell you, I couldn’t keep lying to you.

[Shane looking as though he wanted to hit Kelsey.]

Shane: Just exactly how long have you felt this way?

Kelsey: For years.

Shane: How many? Before you met me or after?

[Kelsey explodes with anger.]

Kelsey: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

Shane: BECAUSE IF THIS STARTED TO DEVELOP AFTER I STARTED DATING YOU THEN IT’S MY FAULT.

[Kelsey showing a little sympathy.]

Kelsey: Shane it wouldn’t be your fault if I did start to feel this way after I met you.

Shane: Actually yes it would.

Kelsey: why what makes you think so?

[Shane looking as though he was about to rant and rave.]

Shane: BECAUSE THEN THAT WOULD MEAN I PICKED A TRANSGENDER FREAK AND THAT, THAT I ALMOST HAD SEX WITH YOU. AHH!

[Kelsey gets up from her computer chair and gets up in Shane’s face.]

Kelsey: OKAY FIRST OF ALL YOU DIDN’T ALMOST HAVE SEX WITH ME AND SECOND I’M GLAD THAT I FOUND OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE; BECAUSE I DON’T ASOCATE WITH DICKS LIKE YOU.

Shane: YEAH WELL AT LEAST I HAVE MY HEAD ON STRAIGHT YOUR SICK AND GAY. YOU PROBABLY WANTED TO FUCK ME. WELL FUCK YOU I DON’T PLAY FOR THAT TEAM.

Kelsey: WHAT?! I’M NOT GAY ASSHOLE.

Shane: YOU’RE STRAIGHT AS A GIRL SO THAT WOULD MEAN THAT ONCE YOU TURN INTO A GUY THAT WOULD MEAN THAT YOU LIKE GUYS.

Kelsey: That doesn’t mean that, I’m going to be gay.

Shane: Yeah sure it doesn’t.

[Kelsey ready to explode in a burst of anger.]

Kelsey: WELL I’VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU I’M NOT INTO GUYS, I’M INTO GIRLS. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT THAT’S ANOTHER THING THAT I WAS GOING TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

Shane: IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU; IT’S OVER!

Kelsey: YEAH NO SHIT.

Shane: I’m out of here. Have a nice life FAG!

[Shane leaves without another word, and Kelsey slams her bedroom door shut. She collapses onto her bed and begins to cry.]

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15 thoughts on “The boyfriend scene revision

  1. So, Kelsey is really Chester? This third[?] character’s introduction is the mere stage instruction [Chester annoyed.] Now, don’t tell me “Yes, Kelsey and Chester are the same character and readers should pick-up the shift intuitively”. But if you do, well, there is my recommendation for improvement. Please explain this transition to the unintuitive.

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      1. Yeah, but… this trick has worked maybe once for one author (for a piece that can’t possibly be good), but it definitely disrupts the rhythm of a script. And this is the format you present to readers. Don’t make them assume some other format, too – ex. short story, prose poem, etc. Besides, you must know what that word makes you and me. Imagine the director Billy Wilder giving this to Lisa Lohan. The whole shoot would be wasted because Lisa can’t keep her name straight! I suggest incorporating the name change in Kelsey’s dialog – perhaps introduce the scene with Kelsey talking about the name Chester – about changing her name to Chester – that’s much more subtle than coming right out and saying the girl/boy is transgender.

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  2. I agree on the names thing. If he’s chosen Chester for himself, he should be referred to as Chester by the stage directions and overall script (and as male, by the way). It’s a similar situation to having a character whose given name is Madison, but she introduces herself as Mads. The script would refer to her as Mads, even if other characters call her Madison.

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